Insta-Friday | Texas here we come!

 

 1. Jungle kitten loves being outside
2. me at a squadron function, keeping it classy

 

 4. Jarvis' first attempt using scissors!
5. What 60mph winds do to a trampoline.... luckily it's fixed already.

 

 5. The big brother show is the best, especially with front row seats.
6. peeling his own orange. big boy.

 

7. Playing footsie and carrying on a conversation.

8. couch to 5k is kicking my bum! i love it!

 

9. Severe weather/winds at 6am means some whole family snuggles in our bed. i love my life.

10. packing... three kids is so much stuff!

 

 
 11. 5 people for 20 days and this is everything (besides 3 carseats) I ROCK.
12. Flight #1, easy, quick.

 

 13. Win one for mama and the car caddy.
14. Daddy has magic baby sleep arms.

 

 15. 11:45am, after sitting on the plane for 2 hours waiting for take off (thanks to Minnesota weather), all three fell asleep on take off!! Awesome!
16. the craziness...

TEJAS!! We made it!!

10 on 10 | ordinarily beautiful

6:30 am

the whole house is awake and someone is learning to hold her own bottle. sorta.

8:00am

packing.packing.packing. Texas in less than a week. goal: one bag for kids, one bag for mama and daddy... then lots of carseats.

9:00am

coffee and mama talk while the kids enjoy the sunshine. perfect.

10:00am

hours.of.fun. love Jarvis in this one.

 10:30am

baby snuggles are the best. all my friends agree.

11:00am

can't tear this kid away from his food for anything.

1:00pm

bumbo babies. love how different their feet are.

4:00pm

this is how we do it. my parade float. took all three to a squadron function by myself. crazy.

 6:30pm

bathtime for the big boy with his favorite daddy.

8:00pm

couch to 5k, day 1. here we go.

the anxious darkness | PPD

i have post-partum depression and anxiety.




if you only knew how hard that was to type. how desperately i wish i could press the backspace button and clear all memories of PPD anxiety out of my life.


instead. instead, i will share. because no one should be alone, and other people's stories helped me finally realize the bleakness that plagued my every waking and sleeping moment and stole the joy from my life.

it started after the birth of Jarvis. my first, long-awaited child. at the time, I didn't recognize it. we had been living in north dakota for only a couple of months and i didn't have a strong support group, and i was miles and miles from my family. i thought my feelings, my experience was just normal. having a baby is hard. it's normal to cry all day, right? ah, no, apparently not for months and months. i fretted over everything. i worried, i couldn't do anything right. i hated leaving my house and pushed away family when we visited because i was so worried about messing everything up. i felt like i would never sleep again and i was terrified to create bad habits. i had to control every single thing or i would lose it all. breastfeeding completely bombed with the words 'failure to thrive' at just 6 weeks old. my sweet boy lost all of his hair and was a frail little old man who was starving. i had failed. i felt lost and caught and ached so deeply all the time. he didn't sleep, he cried so much and I doubted every single decision. 


and then, just 4 months after we welcomed Jarvis into the world, in the midst of all that chaos, I was bounding down the stairs to happily show my husband those two little pink lines. we were pregnant, again! after struggling to conceive Jarvis for two years, we were unbelievably thrilled. they would be 13 months apart and we didn't care one bit. but my hormones, oh dear. still in the trenches of unrecognized PPD, and now experiencing pregnancy again, my anxiety and stress levels skyrocketed. my happiness slowly ebbed into all-consuming fear. how, how would i do it??


finally, the second trimester hit and i started to see the light, my hormones began to even out on their own, and for the first time in nearly 6 months, i was happy. i could do it, we would figure it out.




and then came one of the worst days of my life. 


'i'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat.' 


and in that moment, my life changed forever. just over 24 hours later I gave birth again. 8 months after we welcomed a screaming, breathing Jarvis into the world, I tearfully held my still, silent second-born, Job. 


and then four months later, i heard the same words again.




the next six was a mess of emotions. i can't tell you now what was grief and what was PPD and anxiety. i don't even know. all i know, i was not in a good place. instead of acknowledging it and reaching out for help, i retreated. i did what i knew best and hid. i was not the mother i wanted to be to my precious 1 year old. i didn't know how to be. i felt empty and bleak and hopeless. it seemed like nothing could ever be good again. even looking at my eldest made my heart ache as i grieved for what we had lost and what might never be. i put on a happy face, but the emptiness remained. i wanted these children so badly, but i could barely take care of the one i did have.


a few months later, we once again saw those two pink lines, but i couldn't let myself hope. but after 8 ultrasounds in a row with no heart tones, we finally saw some... two actually. 


my pregnancy with the twins was not as anxious as I would have anticipated. i focused on the pregnancy, month by month, day by day. so much so that i never really thought much about how it would be afterwards. how i was going to handle 3 kids under 2. it took an hour after my c-section before i was brought back up the room and allowed to see and hold my babies. and as i held my babies, my dearly wanted and loved children, i felt my anxiety level rise with every hour.


by the time they were 2 weeks old, breastfeeding was bombing again and i was watching my babies not gaining. and every day inched closer to the inevitable. being alone. with three kids. i dreaded my babies waking up, all i wanted to do was sleep. i didn't want to hold them. everyday the anxiety got more and more crippling and everything seemed more and more dark. i'm not really sure what the tipping point was. when i realized i couldn't go on like i was anymore. after many, tearful conversations with my husband, i decided, for him and my kids, to text a friend and ask for a name and number. except it took me three days to actually send that text message.


within in a week i was in an office, sobbing, telling my story, and realizing that the anxiety I felt was a manifestation of PPD. and after 3 weeks of a low-dose medicine, i finally began to see glimmers of light. i felt like i could breathe, like i could possibly leave my house, like things WOULD be alright. all of the sudden, all of those irrational fears, the inability to stop my brain from spiraling out of control analyzing every could or should be.


but. i didn't tell anyone. not even my closest friends. why? partially beause i didn't understand what was going on, and there was no way to describe it to anyone. i just didn't have the words. and partially from shame. shame that no matter how much i loved my children, sometimes i just wanted to curl in a ball and ignore them all. i know what it's like to desperately want children and have that negative test every month. i know what it's like to hold your lost child. i couldn't believe that i was so blessed with my children, yet still unable to shed this darkness. 


but that's the thing. i can't control it. i didn't choose it. i didn't do anything to cause it. i have always been an anxious person, and dealt with my anxiety by over-managing. but after i give birth. i lose control of my ability to rein in the anxiousness. i suffer from severe, crippling postpartum anxiety and depression.


my babies are 4 months old, and i am still on my low-dose meds. how long will i take them? i'm not sure. do i like that i can't deal with my anxiety without the meds, no. but do they allow my brain to relax enough to be the best mother and wife i can be? right now, yes. they allow me to breathe and to live in the moment instead of being consumed with the what-ifs. the downsides... weight gain, and a dip in my ability to multitask and plan. are they worth it? yes, right now.




PPD has been shown to get worse with each pregnancy, and we are not done. i let PPD steal a good chunk of Jarvis' first year, but i refuse to let it bury me with the twins and subsequent pregnancies. they have begun to show that PPD manifests itself differently in every person. mine is not typical depression but a depression born out of an overwhelming anxiety. my friends still don't know. they will learn of it when i post this blog. i still can't seem to find the words or situation to say it out loud. PPD doesn't mean that you don't love your children, or appreciate and want them. if you feel out of control or unable to cope, please, talk to someone. no one should have to live with that darkness.

Insta-Friday | week 24

 

1. Mama left a thing of Desitin within reach on the dresser... after an hour of independent play time, his whole room looked like this.
2. 100% whole wheat sandwich bread made with freshly ground whole wheat!

 

3. Mid-morning trip to town with Daddy and he fell asleep...
4. She is SO CLOSE to rolling over!

 

5. The sneaky swaddle escaper... and seriously, I have never met another 4 month old who wakes HAPPY every time!
6. Poppy reading :)

7. We currently love to have conversations...

this much [4 months] | Joelle and Jonah

almost 4 months old!!

my babies are growing like weeds!

They are such little sweethearts! They both have started sleeping 11-12 hours at night, but they like to rotate nights, so far we haven't had a night where they both have slept the whole night! They will get there though! They typically go to bed around 6pm, one of the them wakes to eat around 2/3, and then they get up for the day around 6am. I really have no complaints, they are doing awesome. We usually have to go in once of twice for each and soothe/give them a pacifier, but if they fall back asleep quickly then I know they aren't hungry. If they are hungry, they let you know :)

They had a checkup last week and they are little chunks! They are both growing very well.

Joelle: 

Weight: 12lbs 4oz, 26th percentile

Height: 22inches, 0th percentile

Height vs Weight: 93rd percentile

Jonah:

Weight: 13lbs 7oz, 27th percentile

Height: 23.75inches, 17th percentile

Height vs Weight: 59th percentile

Jonah has better head control than Joelle now, but they both are enjoying tummy time and time in the bumbo seats. They are now on a combo 3.5/4 hour eating schedule and take 3 naps, anywhere from 2.5-1.5 hours in length. Neither one has rolled over yet, but they are both pushing off with their feet, can't wait until they do! They both love grabbing things with their hands and pulling stuff to their mouths. They giggle and talk a bunch. Joelle is such a smiley baby, she adores any attention and would love if someone just held and smiled at her all day long. Jonah is very curious and loves talking to his toys. 

Just a few more pictures to enjoy!

5 years

 5 years ago, today, I finally married my best friend. 

In just 3 days, we will celebrate 10 years of being 'us.'

I am so thankful to have such an amazing man as my husband and the father of my children. The road has been bumpy sometimes, but I am always inspired by your desire to be better and grow.

Happy 5th Anniversary, sweetie!

Insta-Friday | week 23

So things are changing here on the blog! I have not been feeling inspired by Project 52 this year... I've changed the theme, but I still don't feel it. However, I really enjoyed the 10 on 10 project last month and I think it fits what I am looking for more and challenges me as a photographer more.

I don't like quitting things, but honestly, this blog is about my family and how I feel, and I am just not feeling it. I may take it up again another year, but for now, Project 52 is out, and Insta-Monday will now be Insta-Friday! Enjoy :)

 

1. Vegan Strawberry ice cream with coconut milk!

2. Letting him peel his own orange= being able to get dinner on the table without lots of fussing, and good practice for his fine motor skills!

 

3. I have started a [home]preschool with Jarvis. I didn't realize just how much I missed lesson planning and teaching! It's fairly low key and basic, but it's good for both of us to focus on some direct instruction every day! I have plans to add more and expand it, but for now, Brightly Beaming is working well for us!
4. The morning message and weekly bible verse. The teacher in me wants to have everything all set up and ready to go, but he's not ready for that! We will be adding to our morning message board as he gets ready!

**and no, I do not know if I will homeschool our kids, it depends on alot of factors and is something we will prayerfully consider when the time comes, however for now, doing preschool at home is perfect for all 5 of us.

 

5. Need to do a big garden post, but here's a sneak peek! 4 types of lettuce and peas growing up the netting, strawberries in the smaller boxes, and then peppers behind them! (the tomatoes and all the squashes are in beds along the back of the house, and the potatoes are in potato bags)
6. Garlic and asparagus are growing very well and the carrots are sprouting next to the garlic, with onions in the back bed behind that. And one of the sneaky-plant-eating animals, snot kitty.

 

7. 3 month check up. at almost 4 months old. haha, mama fail! (stats next week!) Every doctor appt up until now they have both been angels. This time, Joelle was ANGRY that I woke her up from nap early. That girl loves to sleep. and eat. Don't mess with her sleep or food! by the way, taking 2 babies to the doctor at the same time is stressful, thank goodness I have friends to watch big brother!

Link up your happy little moments.