Project 52 | Changing | Week 10

Motherhood is

changing

constantly,

because they get bigger every single day.

And I can't help but get teary eyed

when I pack away another bucket of too-small clothes.

We are officially out of 12 months clothes, and onto 18 months ones. He's changing every single day. He's running like crazy, climbing and exploring. He understands most of what I say now, and tries so hard to ask for what he wants. He gets so excited when I understand.


And as wonderful as it is to see him grow and change and develop, I can't help but miss the little baby, just a bit. 

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Monkey | Grief and Hope

I've had this post written for a while. I debated on it and prayed on it and thought about it non-stop. 

And then a friend in a similar situation told me, "If I can help even one person, then sharing was worth it." I had been feeling that in my heart, but sometimes it's hard to find the words.

On Christmas Day 2010, we found out we were expecting again. 

The emotions I experienced in that moment were overwhelming and conflicting. When you've lost a baby before, all the innocence of pregnancy is torn away. You know that that little stick doesn't guarantee that you will hold a living, breathing, crying, beautiful baby in 9 months. 

We were completely and unequivocally thrilled. We can only imagine the blessings more children would bring and want that desperately. But I was also completely and utterly terrified. My hubby is so very positive, so trusting. So we decided early on to try be excited, to try and not let the fear be overwhelming. Our little Monkey was very loved and desperately wanted. 

Three weeks later, I went for my first ultrasound and things did not look normal. However, I was sent home with a glimmer of hope and told to come back. 

A week later, some progress made a definitive diagnosis still uncertain. 

Two more long weeks, waiting, hoping, grieving. Clinging onto the tiniest spark of hope. Just waiting. 

The final ultrasound confirmed what we suspected, so we decided to wait it out and miscarry naturally. I needed to know for sure, I needed my body to tell me definitely.

At almost 12 weeks, we lost our Monkey.

I am sure some people will wonder why I am sharing this. Why I have decided to let people know now, after the fact. And to be honest, my feelings on keeping pregnancies secret at all is very complicated. Sharing while in the midst of pain isn't helpful for me, I need to process and deal on my own.

But sharing now... well it means I might be able to help someone. To give just one person some hope and some understanding. To connect with so many other women who face infertility or loss. I'm not sharing for attention, or to make people feel sorry for me. I'm sharing because there were amazing women who stepped up to help me, and I want to pass that on to other women in need.

I have been in a situation twice this month to talk to mother's who have recently lost their babies. I feel so passionately that we, as women, should support one another. Encourage, lift up, cry with, just be women together.

So here I am sharing my story. I'm here. To talk. To scream. To pray. To rant. To agree with all the feelings that you aren't willing to admit to others, but that I promise you I have felt and still do feel.

In case you don't know, we experienced 2 years of infertility before fertility drugs helped conceive our first son, Jarvis. We lost our second son, Job, at 20 weeks, for unknown reasons. We lost Monkey at 12 weeks to a blighted ovum.

I've experienced so much more than I would ever wish on someone, but also so much less than so many others face.

Ultimately, it just makes me so very grateful for Jarvis. For the miracle and blessing that is him. He is amazing and I strive to cherish every single day we have with him. No matter what, I have him, and I am so blessed to be his mother, and if that's all I ever get... it's enough. He's more than enough.

So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. John 16:22

this much [14 mos]

My little big boy is a big eater. As in, he probably eats more than I do on any given day. And he eats the good stuff too- me, well, still working on that!


He's only awake for 9 hours total (after naps and nighttime sleep), and nearly half of that, a good 4 hours a day, is spent with him in the high chair stuffing his face. An hour for breakfast, 30 min for snack, and hour for lunch, 30 min for another snack, and an hour for dinner. He spends the entire time CONTINUOUSLY eating. non. stop. eating. I love it.


So I thought it was appropriate that this month's this much project should be of him in the high chair. So during his afternoon snack today (whole wheat, salt-free rice cakes with all natural peanut butter), I snapped a few of us.

He thought the whole process was a blast, adorable boy...

Just can't believe how big he's getting....

Planning a 'milestones' update later this week! Check back!

linking up with styleberry blog in her *this much* project.

stumbling blocks

It seems like this 'season' in my life is going to be a very long, very hard one. It seems like I am surrounded by the stumbling blocks of loss.




I got the call this morning that one of our precious moms from my MOPS group was facing one of the hardest situations ever. She went in this morning to be induced with her baby boy and they were unable to find a heartbeat.




I spent several hours up at the hospital with them, doing what I could, trying to find the words to comfort them, all the while knowing it didn't matter what I said. Praying that something would give them hope, some comfort. But knowing nothing would.




A sweet, precious, innocent baby boy was born sleeping this afternoon. And though I am rejoicing that he is perfectly loved in his Savior's arms, I am so very broken for two amazing parents who's arms are achingly empty tonight.




So please pray for them, and their older son. They are making decisions and facing a world so foreign and painful. Facing something no parent should have to endure.

As I sat there in the room where I delivered Job, and watched them cry and beg and ask why, I can't help but feel every bit of the pain again. It will never go away. I am changed forever. I am broken. I am better for having had Job. And I pray that I can somehow be the hand of God for someone when life seems so very bleak.

Xander,
I can't imagine heaven's lullabies

And what they must sound like

But I will rest in knowing

That Heaven is your home

And it's all you'll ever know.


Sleep peacefully sweet boy, you are missed.

Project 52 | Brand new | Week 9

 Motherhood makes

everything brand new

because there's nothing as wonderful

as experiencing the world

through your child's eyes.

Who knew the mail truck was so fascinating?? To both of them!

They spend a good portion of every day in this window, watching for 'trucks.'


Now I just need to find one of my friends willing to drive by my house for an hour everyday! Any takers???

But beware of the tantrum when it's time to leave the window :/

styleberry blog |  bump meet baby | capturing memories | capturing my time |cyan baby bliss | fitori |katie clay photography | new mom adventure | phreckle face photography | {rik-see } photography |surviving endrometriosis | the buckeye homestead | the vandyck family 

Project 52 | Consuming | Week 8

Motherhood is

consuming.

time. energy. focus. love.

but every mother needs an outlet.

and Nina is mine.

Sewing is my escape. It's my 'me' time. I create something useful, adorable, practical from scraps of nothing. I think while I sew. I process my day, my life, my feelings. 

Lately, life has been too overwhelming and painful, and I don't want to *think*... so I lost my sewing for a while. I couldn't sit and create while in my haze.

But a few weeks later, the irresistible itch always comes back.

Nina and I find something to make, and life seems to fall back into balance.

What's your escape?

styleberry blog |  bump meet baby | capturing memories | capturing my time |cyan baby bliss | fitori |katie clay photography | new mom adventure | phreckle face photography | {rik-see } photography |surviving endrometriosis | the buckeye homestead | the vandyck family 

DIY | Play Workbench **Update**

Yes, I know, I'm crazy....

After looking at the pictures, I decided I couldn't stand the green toolbox on the cute little workbench... so a few coats of spray paint later.... it's blue!! Except now I wish it was orange. But I don't have orange spray paint, so it's staying blue. Crazy, I know.

But seriously... it's cuter...

He loves this thing...

The hooks are particularly fascinating...

Wanna see more?? Check out the DIY workbench first post...

Check back for Project 52 tomorrow!

DIY | Play Workbench

Creativity is my sanity. It's what keeps me grounded, it's my outlet. And no matter what I am creating with... paper, fabric, wood, I love seeing something come out of nothing. 

Hubby and I love working on any type of project together. It's bonding time. Thanks to my awesome Dad, who had no qualms over taking his daughter out into the garage with him, I have a fair amount of woodworking knowledge. Hubby learned plenty from his dad and grandfather too, so between the two of us, we have happily acquired many tools, and have big plans for them. 

When I told hubs I wanted to make a play kitchen (under progress!) for Jarvis, he jokingly suggested we make a play workbench. What an excellent idea! It's actually absurdly easy! So with a babysitter Valentine's evening, we hit up our local hardware store, Menards and finished the majority of the base in one hour that evening!

Taa-daa!

It is 3ft tall, with the workspace hitting at 1.5ft. Perfect for him right now. If we need to raise it later, we have plans to add risers or wheels to the bottom.

Supplies list:

2x4s: $8.00 (used 3.5 boards)

Nails: $1.00 (lots extra)

Peg board: $2.79 (only used half)

Spray paint: $3.44 (lots left over!)

Large snaps: $3.99

Canvas scraps: $1.00

Total:  $20.22 

(with nearly enough material left over to make another one!)

The peg board accessories are leftover from Daddy's workbench in the garage as is the tool box.

All the tools were one of Target's red 'Christmas Packs' and were on sale for $7.99!

So here's the only 'process' picture I took- partway done! Our only mistake was using 2.5 inch nails instead of 3. They were pulling out too easily with the normal pull of the bench, so we had to use a little wood glue to help stabilize them (that's why you see the clamps below). But now that thing is very very sturdy!

Sorry- taken on my iphone!

It is sanded very, very well with an electric sander, and all nails are finished flush with the wood.

We painted the peg board blue to add a little pop against the orange tools. But left the rest of the wood natural.

I used canvas scraps I had laying around (from some Christmas present dop kits) to create little pouches to hang on the side to store his tools.

We didn't want to attach them by hanging them on extended nails (talk about toddler hazard!!) so I used heavy duty sew-on-snaps for the canvas side, and nailed the other side into the wood. They are easily removable but completely toddler safe.

And a slightly smaller one for the other side.

And of course, a little brand so we have no doubt who it belongs to!

Here's to hoping my little boy will enjoy working out in the garage with his Daddy (and Mommy) and will have a little creative gene of his own!

***Measurements have been posted HERE! ***

**Yesterday, while browsing Ikea, I found that they are now offering a play workbench as well... it's cute, but 4 times as much as our, and I think ours looks more authentic!!**

**I featured this project on Today's Creative Blog... check out all the other projects featured!

Up next... the DIY play kitchen, fit for a boy! Can't wait to get started on it!

Hugs,

C

Project 52 | Furry | Week 7

Motherhood is

furry.

because he was my first 'baby',

and he taught me how to love like a mommy.

With his homemade apple-cinnamon puppy treats 

(and no, I did not let him eat all of them at once!)

Can I EAT these mommy???

Yum, yum!

 Valentine's Day was my sweet puppy, Jean-Luc's 3rd birthday (pronouced John-Luke, but we just call him Luke). Luc was rescued from a kill shelter and was the runt of the litter, so we don't know his actual birthday. Just that it was mid-February, so we celebrate on Valentine's Day!


I think in so many ways, getting a dog or cat prepares you for motherhood. Luc CRIED all night long the first week we had him. He got into everything and couldn't be left alone at all. He pooped and peed all over my floor. He demanded attention and time. We had to plan to come home early let him out of the crate after dinner. He brought responsibility to our lives and taught us to plan for something beyond ourselves.We trained his habits and behaviors to match with our family and goals. And in return, he loved us unconditionally.


Most of all he taught me that motherhood isn't perfect, that you aren't going to always LIKE every minute, but that you will always love the ones that make you a mother.


So Happy Birthday my sweet, annoying puppy dog, we love you!

Luc got a sister just a month after he came to live with us, and believe me, Juliette owns him, haha!

She jumped in this picture and wanted to see just what he was getting to eat!

styleberry blog |  bump meet baby | capturing memories | capturing my time |cyan baby bliss | fitori |katie clay photography | new mom adventure | phreckle face photography | {rik-see } photography |surviving endrometriosis | the buckeye homestead | the vandyck family | 

Project 52 | Splish-splashy | Week 6

Motherhood is...

splish-splashy

because bathtime's never been so fun,

for any of us!

Me and my puppy love to drink out of the shower head...

(couldn't catch them both at the same time this bath, but I'll keep trying!!)

Puppy drinking the shower head, I'll just drink like a big boy out of my cup!

I swear, he put that up there by himself... and it was too funny to pass up!

SPLISH-SPLASH!! 

styleberry blog |  bump meet baby | capturing memories | capturing my time |cyan baby bliss | fitori |katie clay photography | new mom adventure | phreckle face photography | {rik-see } photography |surviving endrometriosis | the buckeye homestead | the vandyck family | wicked kate

this much [13 mos]

my last few posts have been kinda down (and obviously people agree based on the lack of comments, haha), so here's an upper!


linking up with styleberry blog in her *this much* project


While the rest of the country is 'freezing' and having snow/ice days... we had a warm spell today!! I think we topped out at 37degrees today, so very warm!! Now that Jarvis is walking, he can actually play out in the snow, as long as it's not too cold. I had planned to take him out to play earlier in the day, but between a doctor's appointment for him and a late nap, it didn't work out. 


But as soon as Daddy got home and Jarvis finished up his dinner, we headed out to play for a while! It was a little too dark for good pictures and took some major editing (so they are not the best quality), but you got to get it when you can- may not be warm enough to go out for another month or two! But I got to hang out with my boys and actually ENJOY the snow for once!!

 this much [13 mos]

All photos taken by my hubby, edited by me.

Oh, and all you Texans out there, this is real snow :) But check out the melting patches of pavement thanks to the warm temps today!! Yay!

Project 52 | Fragile | Week 5

52:5

motherhood is

fragile


and precious,

and sometimes much too fleeting.

This was a hard week around here. 


Our sweet 'Duckie' was due on Wednesday. And all week we have been facing the dreams and thoughts of how our lives should be right now. But instead of sleepless nights rocking a newborn, we lie awake grieving the loss of Job.


I wasn't sure I wanted to share this picture on here, it just seems so very personal. But I know our family will appreciate this at the very least. After a lot of thought and debate and prayer and searching, Hubby and I found the perfect urn. 


I don't have any more words right now, but I can only imagine the beauty of heaven and I rest in the hope and love of my Lord.

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies

and what they must sound like 

But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home 

And it’s all you’ll ever know…

styleberry blog |  bump meet baby | capturing memories | capturing my time |cyan baby bliss | fitori |katie clay photography | new mom adventure | phreckle face photography | {rik-see } photography |surviving endrometriosis | the buckeye homestead | the vandyck family | wicked kate




(Those of you who are just now joining me for Project 52 may not know Job's story, click on Duckie to read about our precious child.)