It's a constant battle against the fear right now. Every moment of every day. I know too much, I've seen too much, I've read to much. I know exactly what can happen in pregnancy. And most of it has to me or someone I am close to.
That fear can be suffocating and paralyzing. It robs you of your joy and peace and trust. It makes it hard to sleep at night and makes even getting the littlest things done difficult.
But I'm not going to let it. I'm fighting back the fear and trying my hardest to trust.
The book that probably made THE biggest difference in my attitude in dealing with losing Job was I Will Carry You by Angie Smith (thank you to my sister-in-law's mother, Mrs. Q for sending it!). Her words, her faith, her optimism made all the difference. She has a blog and I follow it often. This spring, I was reading up on old posts, and she has one called Permission to Hope. She's talking about her first pregnancy since losing her daughter Audrey. Back when they were first dealing with the news of Audrey's diagnosis, she photographer her older daughter asleep but still clutching a balloon and said they were doing the same thing, holding on to hope against all the odds. When they went in for an ultrasound with this new pregnancy, the tech mentioned that it looked like the baby was holding a balloon. She talks about how this gave her permission to hope, the knowledge that God was there. That there was no guarantee that this baby would be fine, but that He would be there with her the whole time.
I prayed those same prayers before out ultrasound at 8 weeks, Lord please give me some hope, some feeling of Your presence in this pregnancy. And when we first saw those babies on that screen, her post was the first thing I though of.... Do you see it?
It's not as perfect as her's was (go check her post) but I felt it in my heart, that hope. That knowledge that my God is all powerful, amazing, and He CAN do anything.
Everyday I try, but it's still hard to fight back the fear.
I haven't bought a thing for the twins yet. I just couldn't bring myself to.
I bought Job a Duckie blanket the week we found out about him, and Monkey a little monkey sleeper. They lay folded in the empty bassinet by my bed. I can't bring myself to put them in the with rest of the baby clothes. I'm not sure I want them to be used. But I don't know what to do with them. At least with all the rest of the baby stuff, Jarvis used it, so there are happy memories attached too. But buying another car seat, crib, or matching clothes. Well there's always the possibility that they will sit there unused.
But that's no way to live my life. I am THRILLED about the twins. I am ECSTATIC. And living in fear strips away all the joy. And like I have said before, I want to live every single day with them and enjoy it, not worrying when the last might be.
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7
So my challenge for the week is to make some time to get to town and buy matching outfits. I promise to share them when I do! And I challenge you to face the fears in your life, throw all your trust on our Lord and march headfirst into battle.