Instead, I just want to be open and honest about the feelings, emotions, and craziness that you face when that test turns up negative every month. I was very secretive about my infertility. A few people knew we were having trouble, but I didn't really talk with anyone. I hid my feelings and fears. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to express it to my husband or anyone without feeling like I was jumping on the crazy wagon. And it felt like I was the only person in the world who WANTED to be a mother and couldn't be one. I felt very, very alone.
You don't have to be alone. There are SO many women who are speaking out now and talking about their infertility struggles and talking about what infertility does to your life.
If you've never experienced infertility, it is hard to imagine how it affects every moment of each month.
The hoping, the wishing. The counting days. Charting temps, Clomid hormone surges, blood drawing, ultrasounds looking for follicles, cervical mucus, ovulation monitors, testing on day 28, then the crushing, sobbing heartache when your period starts again.
You aren't alone. I've been on that crazy wagon, and it feels like it's never going to end. I promise, you aren't crazy. But talk to someone. Me, a friend, another wanna-be mother, someone. Because infertility can do some major damage to you and your marriage. And that's the saddest thing, how the desire to become parents, or the loss of a child can tear apart a marriage. Be each other's support and encouragement.
I will never forget the moment I got that first positive pregnancy test. Day 29, 3pm (see: crazy wagon, testing in the afternoon on day 29!), and the faintest little line. 2 years, 3 rounds of Clomid and I was finally pregnant. And hubby was night flying and I had to wait HOURS to tell him.
I am so very blessed to have a happy ending to my infertility story. It changed my outlook on being a mother and has made me a better wife, daughter, mother and friend. And that sweet little exasperating 16 month old napping in his crib was that positive pregnancy test.
And since, I've had two more positive pregnancy tests that didn't end so happily. For many women, becoming a mother is a journey that takes much longer than 9 months gestation.
Trust in the Lord, He has a timing and a plan for everything. As difficult as infertility was, moving 3 times in 10 months with a newborn would have driven me insane. He knows us and He knows the desire of your heart, and more than anything He wants to give it to you. It may not be in your time, or your schedule, but He has an amazing plan.