the tangled web | loss

the first moment you hold your brand-new baby(ies) in your arms after losing another child...

everything you thought you dealt with gets even more complicated.

having more children after a loss is just a big tangled web of

fear

hope

grieving

guilt

awe

appreciation

longing

desperation

love

add in a side dish of brand-new mother hormones... and it's a big ole' mess.

because no matter how much you love the new baby(ies), and how separate the love is for your living and lost children in your heart. 

motherhood is still forever colored a little differently.

The question is whether you let the shades of loss color everything darker... 

or whether the streaks of new sunshine can light up the old pains.

Don't worry. I'm doing just fine. I am blessed, and so much better for having known Job and Monkey.

But please keep in mind, if you ever meet another mother who's struggling with their feelings of guilt over having a new baby after having lost another, don't act appalled or like she doesn't lover her new baby as much as the first. Things are forever different after ANY type of tragic loss or pain.

And holding my children will forever make me long to hold my missing two children. It's reality. And honestly- I miss them even more now. 

But, oh, how wonderful that reunion will be someday.

And until then, I'll keep snuggling my precious children here on earth.

My dear friend Christa, who lost her sweet son Mason at just a few days old, wrote a post a few days ago that hit the nail on the head- hope she doesn't mind me sharing! But here's another mother's perspective as she celebrates the birth of her son Noah. Going through another pregnancy together at the same time was such a blessing and she has been an inspiration and support for me, as I hope I was for her.