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02 February 2012

Remembering...

Today is the year anniversary of Job's due date. And while this may seem like I am 'dwelling' to some people, in the interest of being honest, I have very mixed feelings this week. Yes, we are so very blessed in so many ways right now, but Job deserves some remembrance, and he is very much a part of my everyday life and thoughts. 


Part of me wonders if anyone else besides me knows (or cares) that he should be turning one right now. Although it doesn't really matter if they do, because I know many people loved and grieved him. I can't help but think about what it would be like to have a one year old and Jarvis right now. How they would play together, how alike they would look, how crazed I might be- haha!


It's strange to be facing this anniversary with TWO babies who will be here any day kicking away in my belly. If we had not lost Job (and then Monkey), we most likely would not be having the twins. This knowledge doesn't make me grateful for having lost him- I would still give just about anything to have him here with us. But it does make me so very aware that the Lord has a bigger plan than we can see in the moment.


The first days (weeks, months) after I gave birth to and held my stillborn child, I felt so empty and I could not see how the Lord could have ever wanted this pain for me, or how He had bigger plans for me or anyone in it. It's hard to hold onto the Good and the Truth in the midst of all the pain.


But the mother I am today; the mother that losing Job has shaped me into- this mother is ready (and thrilled) to be having twins with a very spirited 2-year-old running around. The mother I was before Job, she could not have done this (I would have tried, but I would have tried on my own, not with the support of my Lord). My attitude, mental, emotional, and spiritual state would not have been ready for this challenge.


So yes, today I grieve. Despite the huge promise of new life at the tips of my fingertips, I am still sad. I miss my son. I wish I could see what he would look like today. I wish I could hold him and rock him. I wish I could see his big brother read him a book. I wish I could see him rolling on the floor giggling with my amazing husband.


But I know I will someday. And until then- I accept, and embrace, that my Lord has big plans for my life. He knows what I need and when. He doesn't promise it will be easy, but He promises to be there for me. And that. That is enough.


We miss you Job. We can not wait for the day we will all be together again!

9 comments:

Brandy said...

<3

Brandy said...

okay, that heart did not come out right, so.... xoxoxoxoxoxo

Kelley said...

Love you, hon.

The Boyos said...

What a wonderful mother and daughter of God you are! My aunt and uncle had a baby who died days after being born. Every year they remember his birthday, EVERY night when they say their family prayers they pray for him, without fail. And all of his brothers and sisters still pray for him too! And on occasion, when I read something like what you have written I remember him too. He was born over nearly 40 years ago and they still remember. I am sure your little Job loves his mother and her tender heart. I love that you so willingly acknowlege God in your life and that he has a plan for us. Love it!!

Nessa Bixler said...

What a bittersweet post. Tears of sadness and joy for you.

VanDyck Family said...

I can't imagine the mix of pain and joy you are going through right now. Job will always be remembered and loved by so many, probably more than you think. Love you all!

Mama Ray said...

He will always be part of your amazing family. Love you, Gammie

christarella said...

You are such a strong mama. I think it is truly beautiful that the Fishies will be here within days of Job's due date. It's a perfect time of remembrance, celebration and reflection of the great plans the Lord has for you. <3

Jace said...

Miss my boy.