Today is the year anniversary of Job's due date. And while this may seem like I am 'dwelling' to some people, in the interest of being honest, I have very mixed feelings this week. Yes, we are so very blessed in so many ways right now, but Job deserves some remembrance, and he is very much a part of my everyday life and thoughts.
Part of me wonders if anyone else besides me knows (or cares) that he should be turning one right now. Although it doesn't really matter if they do, because I know many people loved and grieved him. I can't help but think about what it would be like to have a one year old and Jarvis right now. How they would play together, how alike they would look, how crazed I might be- haha!
It's strange to be facing this anniversary with TWO babies who will be here any day kicking away in my belly. If we had not lost Job (and then Monkey), we most likely would not be having the twins. This knowledge doesn't make me grateful for having lost him- I would still give just about anything to have him here with us. But it does make me so very aware that the Lord has a bigger plan than we can see in the moment.
The first days (weeks, months) after I gave birth to and held my stillborn child, I felt so empty and I could not see how the Lord could have ever wanted this pain for me, or how He had bigger plans for me or anyone in it. It's hard to hold onto the Good and the Truth in the midst of all the pain.
But the mother I am today; the mother that losing Job has shaped me into- this mother is ready (and thrilled) to be having twins with a very spirited 2-year-old running around. The mother I was before Job, she could not have done this (I would have tried, but I would have tried on my own, not with the support of my Lord). My attitude, mental, emotional, and spiritual state would not have been ready for this challenge.
So yes, today I grieve. Despite the huge promise of new life at the tips of my fingertips, I am still sad. I miss my son. I wish I could see what he would look like today. I wish I could hold him and rock him. I wish I could see his big brother read him a book. I wish I could see him rolling on the floor giggling with my amazing husband.
But I know I will someday. And until then- I accept, and embrace, that my Lord has big plans for my life. He knows what I need and when. He doesn't promise it will be easy, but He promises to be there for me. And that. That is enough.
We miss you Job. We can not wait for the day we will all be together again!